4/28/24


Today marked a turning point in the great traipse of man.

I remember the moment it began with great clarity. There I sat, limbs tossed asunder beneath blankets in pillows, engaged in the ritualistic act of 'rest', when my Paternal Unit entered the room.

"Father," I said to him, my every word filled with the wonderment of a young British lad, "Whatever could it be?"

And my father said to me, "Boy, you ever seen DUNE 2?"

I had not. My father took me and my younger brother on down to the theater, and after 3 hours of lying in stasis soaking in the visions before me, I broke from my trance. In a daze, I scrambled for my computer. I had seen visions untold. I had to transcribe my experiences lest they slip from my mind's feeble grasp forever. And so I opened up a new HTML file and began to type, and lo;

Men of America(god bless), I have slaved away for seven days, night and day, to bring you this fresh review of DUNE 2.

Part 1: Initial Conception

Going into the theater, several variables may have affected my perception of the film. Number one; I was beset with a horrible headache, such that continues to plague me even till now. Number two; I had already seen DUNE 1 and had shockingly low expectations for its sequel. To me, DUNE 1 was a loosely compiled series of clips of Timothy Chalamet staring directly into the camera with furrowed brow. What secrets does Timothy Chalamet's furrowed brow hold? Certainly not the secrets to good filmmaking. My expectations were low to say the least.

Part 2: The Experience

As any good Experience Recountmence goes, I shall begin with context as I see it.

Dune 2 is about this guy called Timothy Chalamet. He's dating that girl from The Greatest Showman, Zendaya, and the majority of their romance is exchanged in long, baffling looks across the desert before a blinding sunlight and sex scene jumpscares that pop up literally out of nowhere as an excuse for the scriptwriter to mindlessly exposit while the audience is still in shock. Now, Timothy's cronies believe that Timothy is the prophet who will save them all. Initially, Timothy rejects this idea. He belives that he is meant to lead not through fear and religion but instead long glances across the sunlit desert.

The majority of the film, intrepid readers may quickly realize, is just Timothy Chalament staring into the camera looking vaguely serious. Post-viewing, me and my dear brother Balimkis had a thorough discussion and meeting of the minds sort of deal regarding the film, and we came to the conclusion that the filmmakers had built a library of shots of Timothy's face in different lighting situations to disperse throughout the film. These clips of Mister Chalamet's face would make up a large portion of the runtime and skyrocket the film's credibility, and it seems to have done the trick.

Another major aspect of the movie is that most of the characters don't speak English. Being an America(god bless)n film, some might find this odd, but it doesn't affect viewing. What comes into question, however, is the nature of this foreign language. What is it? It could be a carefully crafted fictional language, but I think we should all stop to entertain the more comedic possibility. Suppose that it is no language at all.

"Mister Chalamet, sir, for this scene, we're, uh.. we're gonna need you to speak really inspirational gibberish. Can you do that for me?"

Timothy Chalamet makes no reply. His brow is thick as honey on a clear summer afternoon, whatever the fuck that means.

"Yabantnivs! Parth ignoble, pall ichu. Y Dabanse?"

"Yes, mister chalamet.... that's it.... perfect...."

"Dabanse FAN RADINSKE!"

Following this exchange, obviously, it's implied that the director just sort of imploded from the sheer force of emotion packed behind Timothy's words. But I digress; back to the plot.

Now, Mr Chalamet's initial denial of the prophecies eventally begins to fade. He fulfills each aspect of the prophecy, and with the help of propaganda spread by his mother, Mr Chalamet gets pretty famous. He keeps denying his nature, but that all changes after he drinks the Magical Worm Piss.

The Magical Worm Piss is a Macguffin of sorts, a sort of powerup for religious types. When Timothy's master branding executive mother tasted that shit, she went apeshit and got face tats and blue eyes and began speaking in riddles. The Worm Piss seems to have had a similar effect on Timothy. Its divine prophecies told Timothy to harness the power of Worm Pisses and blow up the bad guys. And then the movie ends.

Anticlimactic, right?

Guess we'll have to wait for Dune 3 now. Bummer.